REGRETS!!!!

i've never believed in regrets...i'm actually a very strong believer in 'everything happens for a reason'..so why am i sitting here regretting every decision I ever made. I just realised that i messed up my life big time by being care free...I see no way of fixing it all and i don't know what to do. thoughts flowing through my mind if the vast quantities of wrong i've done in my life. too much to count, too much to fix..enough to give someone to judge...enough that i'm paying for it all. all alone with nothing but my thoughts that eat me alive..slowly killing me...ruining my life more and more each day but yet no sloutions. my source of happiness now makes me sad..so what do i do to make me happy again..how do I get through it all. i really have no clue how to get through this one.......

lonely girl :(

I have recently found myself oddly sad and lonely. like to the depressed state...and i've been trying soooooo hard to not think of it and try to avoid it but it seems as it won't go away. Like no matter how hard I try to feel good on the inside, I just can't accomplish it. it seems as though no matter how many people i have around me the intensity of the loneliness in which i feel takes over and leaves me with more sadness than happiness. I don't know how to suppress these feelings...I don't know how to overcome them.. I did my hair, I went shopping, I went out with friends but nothing is working this time. This time I am feeling it and don't know how to even hide it from myself.   

Make every lesson fun :)

I've recently been told that I'm emo :/ Didn't quite understand it when I heard it until I actually thought about it. This is a new friend that I have recently made and just like that he said, 'It's either i'm boring or you're emo!' I was confused at the moment, thinking...how weird is that because I'm really not emo (I think)...Then it hit me! I am....Well indirectly of course...Only in thought. I go around on average day happy and fun, but when u speak to me, I don't have much to say, about anything emotional only that is. I don't get personal, I block that part of me out. That was the moment that I realized that I have not been letting anyone get close to me, I've been pushing out everyone who has been trying to get close to me. Then fell for the wrong guy...yet...it did not hurt when it was proven to me that he is the wrong guy.

I've been recently realizing a lot of things, I wish i could start new and do it all over again with the new knowledge I have gained. Things would be easier that way, but i convince myself that this is only gonna make me stronger. There are so many things I wish I could change, but then I don;t know if it would be great to change it.

So...I'm trying something new...I'm trying to be more open. I'm trying to enhance my personality, trying to turn things around and hoping that the past does not have to much of an effect on my present. I hope that things would be different and that I can make everything fine again...Maybe....Just maybe and hopefully...it will be fun working on this...

Learning Experiences

Are we really happy? Think about it, do we all put on those fake smiles as we all walk out the door so that people would not have the cause to ask what's wrong, yet we hope for someone to say 'I know that you're not ok, what's really wrong?' Life is what we make it, if we choose to be down, then negative vibes will just lurk all around and never go away, however, if we try to be happy, maybe, just maybe something good will happen. Hope has a lot to do with everything. Without hope, where would we be? What would happen to us? Faith, as well..recently, a friend of mine was kidnapped, many freinds and myself all had strong hope that she would get released safely and she did. I don't think it was a coincidence, I think I was the hope, faith and non stop prayers that protected her.

I don't believe in coincidence, things don't happen just like that, there is always a reason for it. There is always a lesson to be learnt from each situation we and the people around us face. We all have to face the many challenges so that we can grow and learn new things.

Trust however....I have really bad trust issues. I don't trust people and I have no idea how to let people into my life anymore. I'm like a rock..no feelings (no displayed feeling that is). I've been hurt before and I'm so afraid of being hurt again that it just seems as though it makes more sense to leave people on the outside than let them in. I've lost my ability to show emotions and I'm not totally sure if that is good or bad,  since it helped me as well as bring me down already. I just know that this is a new learning experience that I am going through....again!

I've seen so much in my short life, 19 is not a long life yet, I've seen death, birth, places, arguments, fights and had a lot to cope with. My life is full of many problems, yet I try to be happy. With time every painful event that i have lived through has taught me as well as bring me down more. Inside only that is. I still walk around with a big smile and try to seem as if everything is perfect. I have been through heaven and hell and have to remain strong because I'm afraid of breaking down. Everyone has problems, but how does it seem as mine refuses to go away???? sometimes I wonder of the point to life and the only thing I could think of is that maybe it will get better, when in fact it never does. But, yet, here I am, still trying, still holding on and fighting back those tears. still trying to be happy, still hoping that there will be a way out. I'm afraid that I am slowly giving up. It is getting to hard to deal with.

Horrible Day

As I woke up to the devastating news of the earthquakes and tsunamis it just breaks my heart to know of the trouble some are facing, it makes my issues so trivial. I feel for all those many countries affected and those disasters that are yet to come on this horrible day. I pray and hope that all damages are to a minimum and no more lives are lost. I also pray that our tiny little island here does not get affected.

Issues

Life can really get hard and get u down. I have been trying to cope with all the stress of school and family issues but it just seems never ending, whenever things start looking positive, there it is, something to bring you down again. Dealing with issues can get so confusing. It seems as though avoiding is the easiest way out, but I know to myself that it is not. i think that going out will help the problems seem less and that does help, but it strains school and it seems as that is running away. Life is really confusing, but, what I have learnt from the many troubles that i am currently facing is that no matter how hard things are and how far the pain is going, you learn along the way. It teaches the many way to handle issues and how to avoid the future ones. Also, I've learnt my true friends, I now see things from a different perspective. I see more maturely and I can give advice along the way. slowly, I'm becoming more experienced and I STRONGLY believe that things would not always be this hard....nothing lasts forever! GOOD NOR BAD!