I need some help!!!!

I like a  boy....I know i don't actually like him...its infatuation and I know it....WHAT TO DO???? everything about him lurs me in...I love fooling around with him!

Confused

R called me saturday....then this morning again. We spoke for a while, he's asking why is it that I'm not calling him....I miss him so much. But I don't show it or let him know that. I act so normal when he calls but I know how it hurts me deep inside. Not even deep, it's on the surface but no one can see. I don't know if I should also be calling him as well or leave it as is...this is so confusing now...

Fragile Heart

I stayed at home today, didn't go to school. I was enjoying my day, I studied watched tv and did nothing. I was using my mother's phone and saw a message which she sent to R. Well the thing is, last week Wednesday after R and I broke up I didn't go home, I went drinking by myself and then my friend came and met me. I didn't speak to my parents and neither they or R knew where I was. R tried calling but I missed the call and didn't call back. I knew he would ensure I get home if he knew where I was and I just didn't want to go home. Apparantly he kept tallking to my parents to find out if I'm home or not and I only realised this today, since the message she sent him said 'No, do not call her again.' How can she tell him don't call me again??? I wish he would call me so badly, I wish I could just see him in my yard or just be with him again. I found myself oddly sad due to his absence today. It's affecting me a lot today and I really want to call him, but I won't. I know to myself that I shouldn't. I wish things was easier, I wish there was a easy way for all of this to be over and things could restore themselves to old existence. I'm so emotional today, it sucks. I think I picked the worst day to stay home. Being alone is not helping my situation in any way possible. The ironic part is that as sad as I am, I just have this instinctual feeling that everything will be better soon. I'm sitting here crying, while smiling, because I just know that it will get better. I'm not sure if it will get better in terms of me being alone or R and I having another chance, but I know something good will happen soon. Not as quickly as I want it, but it will happen. Even though I always knew I luv him, I am actually realising that I luv him way more than I knew and we would be good one day....Just not sure when. Hope its not to late though. But everything happens for a reason right??? 

New realisation....

Another long day at school at lessons....Endless amouts of work, but the good thing about that is no time for idle thoughts. I do miss him, he was alwayz there and made me smile when work was to much. But now, i make me smile, I make decisions to make myself happy and depend on no one. I think about improving my life and assisting myself in becoming a better person. I am now living my life fo only me and make all my decisions based entirely upon how i feel abou it. I want him back, but I deserve someone who wants me too. I don't deserve wanting someone who doesn't want me (even though he still tells everyone how much he misses and loves me). However, he has a very special place in my heart and i still luv him and I honestly don't think I will ever actually stop lovin him. But I guess we just were not really meant to be as I thought. I guess we don't really have '4eva n alwayz' as we use to say. I hope that he can live with the decision he made and I hope that he will be happy. I will find my happiness elsewhere, I already know where....Within me!

Lessons Learnt the Hard Way

What a long day today turned out to be and it was actually not that bad. With an entire day of work and labs in school today and then lessons after, so i just got home and I actually have to write labs for tomorrow, but I actually don't feel all that bad. I miss him a lot, I really do, but I believe in my heart that if he really loves me things can work itself out. i even made a huge improvement today....I visited my family, who i haven't seen or spoken to in so many months. That made me feel better and made me realise that I can't run forever. Life can get hard, but we have to face those problems head on and never let it get the better of us. I can say this now from experience, because I didn't handle those situations appropriately in the first place. So don't be like me and lose everything to realise your faults.....Listen to those around you, and try to make all relationships in your life count and treat those people who love you with care and respect....

Lonely Girl

Recently my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me and it has been the worst news of my life, he was my best friend and without him i feel like someone close to me has died and I feel so alone in this world. I have friends and family and I realise that I have been shutting them out of my life. It's not as i'm intentionally doing this but I just have the ability to get so angry so quickly for no apparant reason. he hurt me in ways that I didn't know I can be affected. I am trying to get through this and hoping that things will change for us sometime soon in the future. I really miss him. He means more to me than i even knew. I hope he comes back.